On Friendships & Building Community

Making friends in adulthood is hard ya’ll! Who knew they’d be so difficult to make and maintain?

Unconsciously I think we all did! It‘s pretty clear that it takes a lot to make new friends in adulthood.

We’ve all heard it before and some of us are struggling to find (and even sometimes keep) good friendships. People change, move away, have children or you gradually just stop communicating because…life. For the past few years I’ve been craving community and friendships that are wholesome & fulfilling in adulthood more than ever, because let’s be honest, going through life on your own isn’t great and the support and care that comes from platonic relationships i.e. friendships can be so healing and restorative which is very much needed.

Friendships in my youth were bumpy (aren’t they all though?) There was teasing, being left out of stuff and popularity contests (just to name a few). It’s funny cause I felt this mostly in school. We especially know how forming friendships growing up can feel like you’re auditioning to be part of a group. I have always been the ‘go with the flow’ type of girl and wouldn’t take mean comments or being left out too seriously. You just brush them off and keep it moving. (Something I maybe got so good at I’d dissociate?)

Gang!

I did however have a solid group of friends (we basically grew up together cause our parents were best friends) and we’d hang out mostly every weekend cause there was always something happening be it a birthday party, lunch, family function or whatever! They will forever be my homies for life.

Teenage hood brought with it some good friendships and the discovering of oneself which made for some very interesting years. But luckily things were more or less smooth & I remember making some wholesome girl and guy friends which made the sometimes turbulent adolescent life pretty ok.

Fast forward to my university years. Oh what a time we had! Here I met some beautiful people from all corners of the globe who made me feel seen, heard and most importantly safe. We were young, carefree and yearning to find a safe place and found it in each other. I felt like I could express and be my absolute authentic self when I was around these people. We were all trying to figure life out together while coming into our own for the first time so far away from home and the closeness and camaraderie I felt from these friendships are some I will remember fondly.

And such is life, we ultimately lose the friendships we thought to be the most solid over the years. I haven’t always been the greatest friend because I lacked the knowledge that friendships don’t just happen as they seemingly did in my youth where proximity and common interests were in abundance and things just ‘flowed’. They take work.

I was not able to meet people where they wanted or needed to be met. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realise you dropped the ball on different occasions to nurturing a friendship but we live and we learn. Having to constantly give myself grace and not allow negative self talk to stop me from trying again.

I used to struggle telling people how I felt (maybe also because I did not want to be in touch with my feelings and it was easier to just disassociate). It was also equally hard setting boundaries (still kinda is) and letting people know when I wasn’t feeling 100%. It was much easier to just shut down or disappear. I’m learning now that that was probably (read as definitely) a coping mechanism for when I felt overwhelmed and didn’t communicate what I was feeling. Living on autopilot can do that to you.

We all know it’s impossible to feel and be 100% all the time but expecting that you can be and feel 100% to someone else is setting you up for disappointment.

Friends who feel like family.

I’ve had to apologise so often for not being responsive or available (haven’t we all!) but often left feeling guilty for not being a good friend. Disagreements because you didn’t show up the way you should have, feeling like you have nothing in common anymore, broken trust & basically people going through things they can’t talk about & they would rather just deal with on their own.

You feel bad because at one point you and the person were thick as thieves and had known each other for years. And then…it fizzles and dies. We often talk about romantic breakups but the heart ache that comes from platonic breakups is and can be devastating. You’re drawn to this person because of your shared values, humour, openness and accepting them for who they are through and through (for the most part). You both decided you liked the other person and wanted to get to know them and spend time with them, no strings attached, sex or marriage involved!

I was moaning to a friend the other day (hey Kudzayi) that it’s been a struggle making friends since moving here and to date, I have 2 people I can really call good friends. And she said ‘you don’t need a big group of friends like you see in the movies or television. But if you have just 2 or 3 people you can call on then that’s already pretty cool.’

I had to do a deep dive a few years ago as to why I’ve seemingly found myself in this position of almost desperately needing wholesome friendships. And I came to the realisation that I had been isolating myself for a long time because my personal life was in upheaval and I wasn’t feeling stable or even remotely ready to articulate what was going on or what I was going through because I didn’t know! So making and maintaining friendships wasn’t on the cards. How am I supposed to nurture and cultivate a friendship when I wasn’t even able to nurture and cater to myself?

Big ups to family cause these women have held me down!

There was a lot of blame and shame I held on to that put me in a position of not trying or wanting the commitment that friendships brought. And the friends that I did have at the time probably felt that because I was masking.

For a long time I felt that because I wasn’t warming up to the people that were genuinely showing interest in becoming friends, then I must be the problem (probably was). I felt like I was doing life wrong & isolating just made sense.

Why bother when you yourself can’t even express what you’re going through and then expect someone else to understand?

But at the back of my mind I always knew I wanted that connection with other women. And I may have maybe tried too hard to make friends with people who weren’t feeling that vibe and I often times felt like it was my fault when in fact, it was just realising that you don’t have to ‘click’ with everyone and that’s ok.

There’s always a fine line to be drawn between making the effort to maintain a friendship and it’s always nice when you do meet someone (or are already friends with someone) who understands the ebbs and flows that can happen during friendships and that there isn’t anything wrong. Having to constantly be in contact does not a solid friendship make and can also bring on unwanted stress.

This person right here is everything to me!

In my 30’s, which were spent in a new country, and a foreign language, I pushed myself to go to meetups to eventually find women who were looking for friends just like me. And that thankfully spurned a few friendships which have been consistent other the years and I’m glad I took myself out of my comfort zone to meet other people. It isn’t always easy of course because you’re literally putting yourself out there to be ‘chosen’ so to speak and it can be daunting when after having made the effort nothing fruitful comes out of it.

I’m definitely more intentional with how I ‘friendship’ these days and realise that I’m a continuous work in progress when it comes to being there for friends, listening, enforcing boundaries and understanding of where we’re all at in our lives.

I also had to be unapologetic in who I am as a person and not feel shame or be shamed for the way I friendship.

I come from a big family and my sisters and cousins have been my support system these last couple of years when I finally opened myself up to understanding what I was going through and being vulnerable enough to speak about it. To once isolating yourself because of shame to being able to speak about feelings and experiences no holes barred is huge. They’ve been the lifeline I didn’t know I needed and so grateful for all of them showing up for me when things were at their thickest!

I decided a few months ago to ‘shoot my shot’ and contact women I thought I’d click with just by following their journeys on Instagram. Some paid off and others didn’t but that hasn’t deterred me from doing the absolute most! I’m determined ya’ll!

ALSO! Big BIG shout out to the women who I’ve met and held me down through the internets.! Woo! These women came at a time when I was the most vulnerable and lost & held me up, listened and spoke greatness into me without having ever met me in real life. The women who have showed up for me and given me advice and just listened when I’ve needed to vent. Who’ve indulged in my meme sharing and pop culture commentary and cackled over some straight up tomfoolery! Since I decided to be more present on social media last year, I’ve managed to speak to a number of women I either lost touch with or made new connections with which have been great in lending support. I’m someone who doesn’t hold back when asked ‘what’s going on in your life’ now and I will give you TMI for days! So I truly appreciate those of you who have come to my side when I needed it the most. Ya’ll are the real MVP’s.

I remember when I was at my lowest innately knowing that community was what I craved as it felt like it was an area that had been severely lacking over the years. The need to feel seen and heard by other women and to in turn make them feel seen and heard. Something in the cards for me so watch this space.

So in all this moaning I’ve been doing I realise I am blessed and I do have friends and a support system who continuously show up for me despite what I was made to believe. They may not all be physically here but they are only a phone call, DM, FaceTime or message away. And it’s comforting to know that I will continue to meet beautiful, loving women who lift each other up throughout my lifetime who, in my hopes, will be nurturing, safe spaces.

To friendships!